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PAIRS (stands for Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills)

Listen to the Podcast: An Introduction to Pairs

Falling in love is the easy part, but creating a relationship in which love not only survives, but thrives, is what extraordinary relationships are all about.

The PAIRS workshop provides couples with a “relationship tool kit,” by offering participants knowledge and skills to communicate with clarity and compassion, to understand their own needs, to deal with differences in a constructive way, and much, much more. PAIRS is an incredible personal journey of self-discovery and learning that will enable you to truly connect with the most important people in your life -- including intimate mates, family members, children, friends and even co-workers.

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The PAIRS program for relationships was created by psychologist and relationship expert, Lori Gordon, Ph.D. over 30 years ago. Over these three decades, PAIRS has been revised and updated, based on the feedback of thousands of participants and on cutting edge research on relationship satisfaction. So the PAIRS model maintains its basic rich material, yet continues to stay fresh to meet the needs of couples today.

PAIRS is invaluable for couples in any stage of relationship, from dating or engaged couples, newly married couples, long-term relationships and those on the brink of separation or divorce. PAIRS helps couples involved in a good relationship that want to make it even better, couples in a relationship rut, lacking passion and intimacy, and couples in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, anger, resentment and hurt.

The PAIRS workshop takes place in a comfortable, private small group setting. The workshop format consists of brief lectures followed by coaching of practical, easy to use relationship-building tools, taught through interactive exercises with your partner. From the daily temperature reading and dialogue guide to fair fight for change and caring behaviors, PAIRS is filled with dozens of usable, practical skills that you can put to use to sustain love, pleasure and happiness in your relationships.

This is not group therapy and is not intended as a substitute for psychotherapy. . . This is a psycho-educational workshop meant to enhance couples' relationships by providing group support and new skills. Couples will be encouraged to participate in the PAIRS exercises, but there will be no pressure for anyone to share private information with the group. .. only what is comfortable for you. Some participants have found they've learned a tremendous amount just from listening to others' experiences. So reserved partners out there and chatty partners are all welcome!

Here are some testimonials from PAIRS participants:

'PAIRS changed our relationship. We entered the program at a very low ebb - in despair and feeling pretty hopeless about the potential we had for happiness in our life together. From the first exercise, warmth and trust returned and our appreciation and gratitude and love for each other began to revive. We fell in love again.'

'PAIRS tools have changed patterns that I've been working with in therapy for 10 or 15 years and could not budge. We were going over the edge and didn't have any options. You threw us a lifeline with your commitment, your compassion, and your devotion to getting us the material in an effective way.'

'For a young couple enjoying the beginning of our relationship, I think this gave us a variety of ways to better share with each other, learn about ourselves and our partners, resolve conflicts and develop relationship skills to maintain the happy partnership we have now.'

'Reclaiming the value of our relationship has caused me to remember the value of myself. Instead of living beside each other, PAIRS has helped us to be living with each other again. Any organization - a church, a family - can only benefit when the bonds between people are healthy and emotionally people feel safe and free. PAIRS teaches people how to heal the bonds and free the love in safe ways.'

'PAIRS makes available the tools to have a relationship on purpose instead of accidentally, as well as to know your partner and yourself better than you may have believed possible.'

'The course changed a 29-year marriage of confusion, hurt, silence and missed opportunities into a vibrant relationship of pleasure and trust that thrives on change and growth.'

'Don't pass up the opportunity! It's far more valuable than any college class you may have ever taken, and could enhance happiness for a lifetime.'

Listen to the Podcast: An Introduction to Pairs

FAQ about PAIRS:

Q: How do I know if PAIRS is right for me?

A: PAIRS is designed for adult men or women of any age, race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation who want to learn ways to improve their intimate relationships.

PAIRS is also beneficial for counselors and helping professionals who wish to expand their interpersonal effectiveness toolboxes.

Q: What type of couples benefit from the PAIRS program?

A: PAIRS is designed for couples at all stages of their relationship, including dating, engaged, co-habitating, same- sex couples, newlywed, married, re-married, and on the brink of divorce.

Q: What do participants learn in the PAIRS training:

A: The PAIRS program teaches interpersonal skills and self-awareness skills in order to form and sustain a loving, meaningful relationship. In the workshop, you can discover:

• how to express affection and caring in little ways
• how to disentangle yourself from the blame game
• how to avoid repeating past hurtful mistakes
• how to improve an unsatisfying relationship
• how to identify your needs and your partner’s needs
• how to express your desires in an effective way
• how to voice your complaints in non-destructive ways
• how to nurture your partner when he/she is stressed
• how to turn conflict into opportunities for connection
• how to enhance pleasure and intimacy
• how to improve your negotiating skills

Q: Is PAIRS group therapy?

A: No, PAIRS is not group therapy or couples therapy. Couples in the workshop do not delve into their relationship problems or disclose private information with the group. It’s designed more as a seminar on interpersonal skills. The underlying premise to PAIRS is that couples will be able to improve their relationships when they’re given accurate information and practical skills. This program is skills-based, focused on enhancing various personal and interpersonal skills including: self expression, active listening, anger management, conflict resolution, negotiating and problem-solving.

Q: What are the benefits of PAIRS?

A: Learning relationship skills is one way to affair-proof your marriage. Participants of the PAIRS program learn ways to stay attuned and connected to your partner. The majority of affairs take place in an atmosphere of disconnection and detachment. Couples who are able to regularly confide and listen to each other, expressing empathy and support, are more likely to turn towards each other and less likely to seek comfort outside of their relationship.

In addition, many research studies have found that men and women in healthy committed relationships are better off on a wide host of indices, including mental and physical health and financial success. Happily married individuals are less likely to suffer from depression and substance abuse issues, and have children with fewer behavioral and emotional difficulties.