Catherine tucked her son into bed, promising chicken noodle soup when he awoke. It was 1:30 in the afternoon, and she had just picked him up from school after the nurse called to let her know that he had a fever. She left his room and sighed heavily, noticing the bills piled on the desk, the piled-high laundry in the hamper, and the dirty dishes in the sink.  She tried not to think about the irritation in her boss’ voice as she quickly left work to pick up her son. As she hit the play button on the answering machine, she managed to smile by thinking about the fun weekend she had planned with her friends. “Hey Catherine, I know this is my weekend with the kids, but I have to leave town for a business meeting. Sorry. I will explain later.” Her smile vanished as she heard her ex-husband cancel his plans yet again with the kids. “This is too much!” she thought, gritting her teeth. “When is this ever going to end?” Catherine grabbed the keys sitting next to the phone and threw them across the living room before she even realized what she doing.

Catherine’s experiences are not unusual. In fact, most of us have moments throughout our day that leave us feeling tense, overwhelmed, and angry. These feelings of anger are normal, and frequently related to stress, a common trigger for angry feelings and behaviors.

The good news is that there are many strategies that Catherine can use to manage her anger, and there are skills that can be learned to help improve relationships and manage stress. Anger management groups, individual therapy, and couples therapy are available resources that can help individuals learn how to decrease physiological arousal and change emotional responses and self-talk. For example, Catherine can learn to notice signs of tension early and consciously relax neck and jaw muscles. She can begin to notice anger-provoking thoughts such as “This is too much!” and modify them to “I have a lot on my plate right now, but some things I cannot control. As much as I would like others to be reliable, it does not mean that they must .” Anger management skills also involve learning how to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively and include developing empathy skills, forgiving others, adjusting expectations, and taking effective time-outs when unable to think clearly.

Dealing with anger is an issue that each of us faces everyday. Managing anger is not about never feeling angry. It is about finding positive, effective ways to communicate and act so that you feel better and develop satisfying, healthy relationships. In the words of Dr. Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

We are excited to offer anger management seminars that meet on Saturday mornings.  To learn more about our programs, visit www.orensteinsolutions.com  or contact Dr. Julia Messer directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 2

I’d like to invite you to my next PAIRS workshop which  will take place on Saturday, February 27th.  I’ve been providing couples therapy in private practice since 1998.  Here’s a confession–I didn’t learn about couples in my graduate program.  Very few graduate programs have courses specifically in marital or couples therapy.  So I’ve sought out all the advanced training i could find to learn about couples.  I’ve received extensive training in Conflict Resoultion and Family Mediation, as well as advanced training to follow the research and approaches of Jon Gottman, Susan Johnson, Michele Weiner Davis, and Dan Wile.

I’ve wanted to provide couples workshops for several years now, but never was able to get them off the ground.  That is, until now, since I’ve discovered the PAIRS program.  I was delighted to find the PAIRS materials not only fits with the current research about what makes couples happy together, but also has user-friendly materials that couples can  integrate into their relationships to promote warmth, respect, and understanding.  So, I’ve had useful concepts all along, but now I’ve found the missing piece in PAIRS, which is a format (materials and tools) to make the information come alive.

I began offering these PAIRS workshops last Fall, after many couples contacted me asking for week-end sessions, telling me how difficult it was for both partners to have time for couples therapy on a weekly outpatient basis.  Also, many told me they were concerned about the financial aspect of ongoing couples work. I added this program to help couples learn skills and tools in a convenient, cost-effective manner.

I’ll give away one tool right now to give you a flavor of the workshop: The Invitation Rule.  We all want to be greeted by our partner in a loving, warm, engaging way. Unfortunately, often when we are approached by our partner, especially about a conflict issue, the “approach” isn’t so warm and fuzzy.  Often, the conversation begins in a hostile manner which does not set the stage for a peaceful and happy resolution.

The PAIRS invitation rule is that you invite your partner before utilizing any of the PAIRS tools for discussions. You invite, not inflict.  As you know about invitations, one can always decline.  That’s the beauty of it. By asking, you do not take the other person for granted; you show respect for his or her time and feelings.  On the other side, your partner chooses to interact with you when he or she accepts your invitation. The invitation rule helps us from taking each other for granted.  We appreciate each time we choose to accept our partner’s invitation, and the invitation rule  starts things off in a spirit of good will, that promotes success.

I hope you’ll consider my invitation to attend PAIRs.  The invitation rule is one of many gems that you can integrate into your special relationships.  You can learn more about PAIRS and find registration material online at www.orensteinsolutions.com.  You’re also welcome to contact me directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 1.