Ways to Connect with Family Over the Holidays:

Many people don’t realize that the need for attachment, warmth and closeness with others is a basic innate biological need just like food, water and shelter.  Connecting doesn’t have to mean holding hands and singing around a campfire, or sitting face to face and sharing secrets.  Much of bonding actually comes from small bursts of light-hearted fun, continued over long periods of time, so that we develop a collection of positive experiences with our family members.  You know those photo albums where we look happy together over celebrations, holidays, get-togethers.  Well, after the camera shot is over, make sure to create fun, memorable moments that go along with that photos.  That’s right. . . the prescription here is “fun.”

Some creative ideas for family activities:

Julia Messer suggests Wii sport games, such as bowling, golf, or tennis. These are active, entertaining activities that all family members can enjoy. These games don’t require a lot of learning time: it is easy to just jump in and start having a good time. You can even create a Mii character that looks like you to play as your character. An added benefit is that you can burn off a few calories from that big turkey meal!

Another suggestion involves a more traditional, but often forgotten, activity . . . working a puzzle. Choose  an interesting, picture that reflects the family in some way. Working a jigsaw puzzle is a cooperative activity that can involve all ages. Grandchildren can work alongside their grandparents for a common goal.  There are even some three-in-one puzzles now from Ravensburger, with extra large, medium and small size pieces so family members can choose the level of challenge they prefer.

A final suggestion is a simple game that involves no materials or technology called “Choices.” Each family member or friend takes a turn presenting two options in a related category (for example, fall or winter; the beach or the mountains, Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift). Everyone selects their favorite one of the two out loud, and then the next person has to present another two options. This game stimulates a lot of discussion and is great for long trips in the car. It is fun coming up with the options, and you can learn something about your family and friends.

Susan Orenstein suggests “Gym Teacher.” Every family member takes turns leading one exercise. They can be traditional exercises like jumping jacks and sit-ups or creative exercises like making each family member go through an obstacle course.

Imagine If is a board game that looks at personality characteristics of each player in an amusing way. One player is chosen by a role of the dice and a card is drawn that reads, “Imagine if (player’s name) was a snack food. Would he be: A Popcorn, B Hershey’s kiss, C… all the way to F” Then all the players place their answers (A, B, C up to F)  face down. The answers are revealed. The players who chose the most common answer (not necessarily the same as the player’s of whom the question was asked) move their piece on the board one step closer to the finish.

Watching old movie classics is nostalgic for the older generation and eye-opening for the younger. Recent ones we’ve enjoyed more than once include: “The Wizard of Oz,” ”It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “Treasure of the Sierra Madre.”

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build positive interaction.

Foremost relationship expert, John M. Gottman Ph.D., found what distinguished happily married couples from other couples: a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. What is a positive interaction? A hug when greeting at the end of the day, a smile, reaching for your partner’s hand, texting something sweet “just because.” And this same concept of positive interaction applies to all relationships in the family.

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build  positive interaction.  So many times when we say something to another family member, it is to complain. Why say anything if things are going well? As expressed in our PAIRS workshop for couples (read more about upcoming PAIRS workshop), showing and expressing appreciation helps nurture our relationships and moves us towards that 5:1 ratio. This is key to a happy relationship. Don’t just say “thank you” but be specific. “Thank you for doing the dishes–it allowed me to sleep an extra ten minutes” or “when you pick up the kids on Wednesday, I get to go to the gym – thanks so much.”

So often, couples come to couples or family counseling because they feel under-appreciated. If feels wonderful to receive specific acknowledgement from your family for the hard work that you do on their account. It also feels good to give appreciation. Let’s all try to remember to tell our families what they are doing right. Thanksgiving is a great time to start.