Most of us have moments throughout our day that leave us feeling tense, overwhelmed and angry. Is it wrong to feel angry about other drivers getting in our way, children refusing to follow house rules or co-workers not following through on projects?

Read this most recent article from Dr. Julia Messer, published in Cary Magazine.

Read “Focus On Men Anger Management” in PDF form.

Ways to Connect with Family Over the Holidays:

Many people don’t realize that the need for attachment, warmth and closeness with others is a basic innate biological need just like food, water and shelter.  Connecting doesn’t have to mean holding hands and singing around a campfire, or sitting face to face and sharing secrets.  Much of bonding actually comes from small bursts of light-hearted fun, continued over long periods of time, so that we develop a collection of positive experiences with our family members.  You know those photo albums where we look happy together over celebrations, holidays, get-togethers.  Well, after the camera shot is over, make sure to create fun, memorable moments that go along with that photos.  That’s right. . . the prescription here is “fun.”

Some creative ideas for family activities:

Julia Messer suggests Wii sport games, such as bowling, golf, or tennis. These are active, entertaining activities that all family members can enjoy. These games don’t require a lot of learning time: it is easy to just jump in and start having a good time. You can even create a Mii character that looks like you to play as your character. An added benefit is that you can burn off a few calories from that big turkey meal!

Another suggestion involves a more traditional, but often forgotten, activity . . . working a puzzle. Choose  an interesting, picture that reflects the family in some way. Working a jigsaw puzzle is a cooperative activity that can involve all ages. Grandchildren can work alongside their grandparents for a common goal.  There are even some three-in-one puzzles now from Ravensburger, with extra large, medium and small size pieces so family members can choose the level of challenge they prefer.

A final suggestion is a simple game that involves no materials or technology called “Choices.” Each family member or friend takes a turn presenting two options in a related category (for example, fall or winter; the beach or the mountains, Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift). Everyone selects their favorite one of the two out loud, and then the next person has to present another two options. This game stimulates a lot of discussion and is great for long trips in the car. It is fun coming up with the options, and you can learn something about your family and friends.

Susan Orenstein suggests “Gym Teacher.” Every family member takes turns leading one exercise. They can be traditional exercises like jumping jacks and sit-ups or creative exercises like making each family member go through an obstacle course.

Imagine If is a board game that looks at personality characteristics of each player in an amusing way. One player is chosen by a role of the dice and a card is drawn that reads, “Imagine if (player’s name) was a snack food. Would he be: A Popcorn, B Hershey’s kiss, C… all the way to F” Then all the players place their answers (A, B, C up to F)  face down. The answers are revealed. The players who chose the most common answer (not necessarily the same as the player’s of whom the question was asked) move their piece on the board one step closer to the finish.

Watching old movie classics is nostalgic for the older generation and eye-opening for the younger. Recent ones we’ve enjoyed more than once include: “The Wizard of Oz,” ”It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “Treasure of the Sierra Madre.”

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build positive interaction.

Foremost relationship expert, John M. Gottman Ph.D., found what distinguished happily married couples from other couples: a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. What is a positive interaction? A hug when greeting at the end of the day, a smile, reaching for your partner’s hand, texting something sweet “just because.” And this same concept of positive interaction applies to all relationships in the family.

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build  positive interaction.  So many times when we say something to another family member, it is to complain. Why say anything if things are going well? As expressed in our PAIRS workshop for couples (read more about upcoming PAIRS workshop), showing and expressing appreciation helps nurture our relationships and moves us towards that 5:1 ratio. This is key to a happy relationship. Don’t just say “thank you” but be specific. “Thank you for doing the dishes–it allowed me to sleep an extra ten minutes” or “when you pick up the kids on Wednesday, I get to go to the gym – thanks so much.”

So often, couples come to couples or family counseling because they feel under-appreciated. If feels wonderful to receive specific acknowledgement from your family for the hard work that you do on their account. It also feels good to give appreciation. Let’s all try to remember to tell our families what they are doing right. Thanksgiving is a great time to start.

You may have heard of PAIRS workshops for improving the intimacy in your marriage, but what issues can it address in your marriage, and is it the right environment for you and your spouse? Dr. Susan Orenstein joins us to talk about the PAIRS workshops that have become increasingly popular for both happily and unhappily married couples, and explore what makes PAIRS different from traditional therapy, and why it is such a great option for individuals and couples who are uncomfortable with marriage counseling.

Click here to download or use the player to listen online

Dr. Susan Orenstein interviews Dr. Murray McNiel

Susan:  What is pre-marital counseling?

Murray: Pre-marital counseling is for couples who are interested in pursuing a brief counseling experience prior to marriage or a formal commitment ceremony. It has become quite common for couples as they prepare to begin their married life together.

It’s quite different from typical couples therapy, in which couples have become distressed by aspects of their relationship. By contrast, pre-marital counseling is aimed at enhancing a relationship that is usually already positive.

Susan:  What are some topics covered in pre-marital counseling?

Murray:   We sometimes discuss religious and moral values. This is important for a couple’s sense of a “we” and impacts their future lifestyle and future goals.  We usually do not explore someone’s childhood in depth, unless that’s something they specifically request.

More frequently, we provide a structured exploration and discussion of specific issues over five to eight sessions. These include effective communication, intimacy, and relationships with family and friends.

The overall goal is helping the two partners improve their relationship given their unique values, goals, and dreams.
Premarital counseling sometimes leads to exploring areas that the couple may not have realized could impact their lives together.

Susan: Can you give me an example?

Murray: Sure. Communication is probably the most important aspect of couple functioning. In fact, research has found quality of communication is an excellent predictor of couples’ satisfaction over time.

One key factor is how much each partner shares thoughts and feelings in the moment versus how much each partner likes to think through things on his/her own before discussing them. Neither style is right or wrong—they’re just different. But often partners can get into big disputes because they have different styles. For example, “You hold everything in and never share with me!” or “Maybe you should think through things a little more before you get all worked up and talk to me about it!”

Pre-marital counseling can help partners understand their differences and figure out how to make their styles work effectively.

Susan:  What if you believe the couple is a disaster—a really bad match.  Would you tell them to break up?

Murray:  I won’t tell a couple whether to stay together or break up, however, I will give direct feedback about their relationship patterns, including their strengths and weaknesses. Couples want to get married to make each other happy, not miserable, so many couples will make changes in the way they treat each other as soon as they discover a destructive pattern that is occurring.

As a couples therapist, I’m in the distinct position of the impartial observer, so I can share my observations and offer feedback in a non-judgmental way.  I also can coach couples in their communication, so they can feel positive changes occurring right away in the session.

Susan:  How long does pre-marital counseling typically last?

Murray:  It varies, but I would list the common range as 4-8 sessions.

Susan:  Lots of churches offer pre-marital counseling or marriage classes.  How does your counseling differ from that?  What’s the difference between going to a pastor and a therapist?

Murray:  First, let me say I think religiously-sponsored pre-marital counseling can be very helpful for couples. In terms of comparing them, I would say there are at least two differences.

First, with religious counseling there is a “second client in the room,” which is the goals, beliefs, and expectations of the religion. Professional counseling focuses on only the best possible functioning of the couple, given their particular situation.

Second, religious leaders wear many hats, and one of these is as a counselor/advisor. By contrast, a psychologist has extensive training in counseling techniques based on scientific research literature.

Susan:  There are some topics that couples just can’t talk about without getting into an argument.  They may be hesitant to enter pre-marital counseling, as they don’t want to stir things up by bringing them up in counseling.  Is there a way you can help them work on these issues without creating problems right before their marriage?

Murray:  This is a very legitimate concern. In structured, focused, short-term pre-marital counseling, the goal is discussing a series of key topics without getting bogged down in any of them. A few tough issues will almost certainly be touched on, but the overall tone should be one of enhancement rather than conflict.

THE UNTHINKABLE by Amanda Ripley, reviewed by Susan Orenstein

This book will definitely make you think differently about how to survive a disaster.  I picked up this book this Summer, and as I began reading, quickly realized that it was going to tackle tough topics that I usually try to avoid thinking about:  plane crashes, terrorist attacks, motor vehicle accidents, fires and floods.  Why read about these horrors?  Amanda Ripley gives a compelling reason to examine these tragedies. If we analyze these events objectively, we can learn about the human factor involved.  The author, who is a writer for Time Magazine, sorts out fact from fiction about natural and human-made disasters. Why do some people who experience these life -threatening events react poorly while others cope and survive? Read more…

Dr. Orenstein was quoted on Carolina Parent’s blog and the blog post appeared on WRAL’s blog as well.

Here is an excerpt from the article

If you’re thinking that intimacy with your spouse is a luxury that’s detracting from time with the kids, think again. It’s part of the cement that holds your marriage together. In Nurturing Your Relationship, local psychologist Susan Orenstein, Ph.D., says having an intimate relationship is a gift that parents can give their offspring.

“It is important for the intimacy of the couple to be healthy, not only for the sake of the marriage, but also for the children,” she says, adding, “The parents need to model a good relationship to instruct the children, and also need to be a team separated from and in charge of the children.” In that article, Triangle parents also offer their time-proven tips for strengthening marital relationships, such as giving your spouse a compliment during everyday interaction. After all, who doesn’t like to feel appreciated?

Here are links to both places

Carolina Parent’s Blog: http://carolinaparent.com/blogs/blogs.php?domain=&category_id=6
WRAL’s: http://www.wral.com/lifestyles/family/blogpost/5689328/

Has weight become a “big” issue in your marriage? Is it leading to intimacy problems, control issues, and health concerns that you don’t know how to address? It’s easy for a marriage to run into trouble when one spouse puts on a significant amount of weight but can be difficult to address in a compassionate and constructive way. Dr. Susan Orenstein joins us to discuss what factors can contribute to weight gain in a marriage, the relationship between eating and emotions, and how to approach such a touchy subject without causing conflict.

To access a transcript of the show click here.

Sponsored by:

The direct link to the MP3 is: http://media.libsyn.com/media/rosen/SHM-72-07272009.mp3

In our daily lives, there are lots of routine ways we check to make sure things are on track. Consider, for example, annual medical check-up, kids’ report cards, car tune-ups, monthly bank statements, or the dreaded work evaluation.  All are seen as a way to proactively detect and address problems to keep things on track.   So, why are many people hesitant to seek professional feedback and help for their marriage?

Read more…

by Robin Whitsell, Carolina Parent Magazine.
How to stand your ground when enforcing difficult decisions. Dr. Abra Nardo is interviewed for this article.

Read Article (.pdf)