The Divorce Process is extremely stressful.  You already knew that.  For some, the divorce experience becomes traumatic.  Managing your emotions during a divorce is extremely difficult, as you may feel a combination of frustration, hurt, resentment and helplessness.  Whether you withdraw, keeping your feelings to yourself, or you lash out and become short-tempered, these behavioral reactions to stressful, difficult times are normal responses.

Anger involves a family of emotions that range from mild irritation to rage, and it is a normal expected emotion that surfaces when dealing with divorce. While the emotion itself can be quite healthy, one’s actions I response to anger can be damaging.  Avoiding conflict and ignoring angry feelings as well as lashing out and fuming, although seemingly opposite reactions, both lead to ineffective communication and difficulty resolving conflict.

Fortunately, there are skills that can be learned during times of stress that ease the divorce process, benefitting not only your emotional and physical health, but your entire family’s well-being.

At Orenstein Solutions, we offer divorce recovery programs to address divorce anger and stress. We teach and coach skills to help you increase your ability to communicate effectively and assertively with your ex, respond thoughtfully rather than react, and feel better about moving forward with your life.  These skills fall under a broad umbrella of stress management and emotional regulation tools.

Option 1:  Individual Divorce Recovery Coaching
Fee:  $125 per session or $800 for a pre-paid package of eight, materials included.
Option 2:  Stress and Anger Management Group Sessions
Fee:  $500.00 for eight weekly group support and feedback, materials included.
Option 3:  Individual Counseling
Psychotherapy to address an array of personal issues.  Fee: $135.00 per session.

Please contact Orenstein Solutions at 428-2766  or email julia@orensteinsolutions.com for more information.

When thinking of your child leaving home, you might be experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions, including excitement, pride, and joy as well as stress and sheer terror. As your almost grown child develops a stronger sense of identity and independence over the next four years, your parenting role will change, but will remain very important.

A strong parent-child relationship is essential to your son or daughter’s confidence and college success.Over the next few years, you will lose your position as your child’s chauffeur, housekeeper, cook, executive secretary, tutor, supervisor, and probation officer. However, your child may re-hire you as chief confidant, counselor, coach, and cheerleader. Here are some strategies to help you as a parent prepare for your new parenting role:

DON’T: Interrupt, give unsolicited advice or try to take control of your child’s problems.

INSTEAD: LISTEN!

Everyone likes receiving another’s undivided attention. Your children will appreciate a safe place to air their thoughts, feelings, dreams and concerns. Attentive listening is one of the best gifts a parent can give a child. Your children will feel empowered to solve their own problems once they are able to talk things through.

DON’T: Minimize their feelings through invalidating statements such as “College is supposed to be the best time of your life,” or “I wasn’t as fortunate as you when I was your age.”

INSTEAD: ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS.

Young adults’ feelings can be intense and may change rapidly, but they are still REAL.

DON’T: Share any lack of confidence you may have in your child or review his/her past failures.

INSTEAD: FOCUS ON THEIR STRENGTHS.

Remind your child of their positive qualities and coping skills during the hard times.

Also notice (aloud) when your child is working hard, handling a tough situation maturely, or developing any other positive character traits. He/she will appreciate this acknowledgement.

DON’T: Hide your love and affection for your child.

INSTEAD: PROVIDE TOKENS OF YOUR AFFECTION.

Give genuine compliments and expressions of support and concern. Find ways to show your affection for your child in little ways. College students love receiving letters, e-mail and care packages.

DON’T: Let your child’s suffering go unnoticed.

INSTEAD: KNOW WHEN TO STEP IN.

Express the concerns you have about their behavior, their mood, their relationships, etc. in non-judgmental terms. Listen to their responses and ask how you can be helpful.

RED FLAG!: If you believe your child is at risk of being harmed or will hurt him/herself, contact the appropriate school resources such as the resident counselor, campus police, the university counseling center or the dean of student life.

DON’T: Hide family crises such as divorce or family illness from your child or spring bad news upon them when they return home on breaks.

INSTEAD: HAVE A CARING CONVERSATION EARLY ON.

Give your child advanced notice to prepare for a change in the family’s lifestyle. Choose a time when he or she will be receptive to hearing difficult news (not the night before finals!) and then share the information in a sensitive manner. Encourage your son or daughter to express thoughts and feelings about the news and acknowledge your child’s right to those feelings.

DON’T: Pin all your expectations and dreams on your child’s achievements and happiness.

INSTEAD: “GET A LIFE!”

Enjoy your newfound freedom by nurturing yourself, exploring your interests and developing your relationships.

Susan Orenstein has created a resource to help prepare students and their families for this important transition.  To learn more about College Companion:  Your Ultimate Guide to College Life, . . .

Orenstein Solutions is seeking a board certified child psychiatrist to join our innovative, thriving group practice in the heart of Cary. Our practice provides a wide array of mental health services to meet the needs of the whole family, including children, teens, young adults, and adults. The psychiatrist will provide consultations, medication evaluations and medication management to children, teens and adults.

Avoid the hassles of managed care, call, and administrative duties. We take great care of our clinicians so that you can focus on providing quality care.

To learn more about this opportunity, please contact Susan Orenstein, Ph.D. at 428-2766 ext. 1 or susan@orensteinsolutions.com.

I’d like to invite you to my next PAIRS workshop which  will take place on Saturday, February 27th.  I’ve been providing couples therapy in private practice since 1998.  Here’s a confession–I didn’t learn about couples in my graduate program.  Very few graduate programs have courses specifically in marital or couples therapy.  So I’ve sought out all the advanced training i could find to learn about couples.  I’ve received extensive training in Conflict Resoultion and Family Mediation, as well as advanced training to follow the research and approaches of Jon Gottman, Susan Johnson, Michele Weiner Davis, and Dan Wile.

I’ve wanted to provide couples workshops for several years now, but never was able to get them off the ground.  That is, until now, since I’ve discovered the PAIRS program.  I was delighted to find the PAIRS materials not only fits with the current research about what makes couples happy together, but also has user-friendly materials that couples can  integrate into their relationships to promote warmth, respect, and understanding.  So, I’ve had useful concepts all along, but now I’ve found the missing piece in PAIRS, which is a format (materials and tools) to make the information come alive.

I began offering these PAIRS workshops last Fall, after many couples contacted me asking for week-end sessions, telling me how difficult it was for both partners to have time for couples therapy on a weekly outpatient basis.  Also, many told me they were concerned about the financial aspect of ongoing couples work. I added this program to help couples learn skills and tools in a convenient, cost-effective manner.

I’ll give away one tool right now to give you a flavor of the workshop: The Invitation Rule.  We all want to be greeted by our partner in a loving, warm, engaging way. Unfortunately, often when we are approached by our partner, especially about a conflict issue, the “approach” isn’t so warm and fuzzy.  Often, the conversation begins in a hostile manner which does not set the stage for a peaceful and happy resolution.

The PAIRS invitation rule is that you invite your partner before utilizing any of the PAIRS tools for discussions. You invite, not inflict.  As you know about invitations, one can always decline.  That’s the beauty of it. By asking, you do not take the other person for granted; you show respect for his or her time and feelings.  On the other side, your partner chooses to interact with you when he or she accepts your invitation. The invitation rule helps us from taking each other for granted.  We appreciate each time we choose to accept our partner’s invitation, and the invitation rule  starts things off in a spirit of good will, that promotes success.

I hope you’ll consider my invitation to attend PAIRs.  The invitation rule is one of many gems that you can integrate into your special relationships.  You can learn more about PAIRS and find registration material online at www.orensteinsolutions.com.  You’re also welcome to contact me directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 1.

Catherine tucked her son into bed, promising chicken noodle soup when he awoke. It was 1:30 in the afternoon, and she had just picked him up from school after the nurse called to let her know that he had a fever. She left his room and sighed heavily, noticing the bills piled on the desk, the piled-high laundry in the hamper, and the dirty dishes in the sink.  She tried not to think about the irritation in her boss’ voice as she quickly left work to pick up her son. As she hit the play button on the answering machine, she managed to smile by thinking about the fun weekend she had planned with her friends. “Hey Catherine, I know this is my weekend with the kids, but I have to leave town for a business meeting. Sorry. I will explain later.” Her smile vanished as she heard her ex-husband cancel his plans yet again with the kids. “This is too much!” she thought, gritting her teeth. “When is this ever going to end?” Catherine grabbed the keys sitting next to the phone and threw them across the living room before she even realized what she doing.

Catherine’s experiences are not unusual. In fact, most of us have moments throughout our day that leave us feeling tense, overwhelmed, and angry. These feelings of anger are normal, and frequently related to stress, a common trigger for angry feelings and behaviors.

The good news is that there are many strategies that Catherine can use to manage her anger, and there are skills that can be learned to help improve relationships and manage stress. Anger management groups, individual therapy, and couples therapy are available resources that can help individuals learn how to decrease physiological arousal and change emotional responses and self-talk. For example, Catherine can learn to notice signs of tension early and consciously relax neck and jaw muscles. She can begin to notice anger-provoking thoughts such as “This is too much!” and modify them to “I have a lot on my plate right now, but some things I cannot control. As much as I would like others to be reliable, it does not mean that they must .” Anger management skills also involve learning how to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively and include developing empathy skills, forgiving others, adjusting expectations, and taking effective time-outs when unable to think clearly.

Dealing with anger is an issue that each of us faces everyday. Managing anger is not about never feeling angry. It is about finding positive, effective ways to communicate and act so that you feel better and develop satisfying, healthy relationships. In the words of Dr. Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

We are excited to offer anger management seminars that meet on Saturday mornings.  To learn more about our programs, visit www.orensteinsolutions.com  or contact Dr. Julia Messer directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 2

We are all familiar with the experience of excitedly setting New Years Resolutions only to be disappointed when they don’t come true. Many of us avoid feelings of dejection by stopping resolutions altogether. A better way is to make sure you have the skills you need to attain your goals this year.  Mastering resolutions is really a skill set derived from goal-setting skills.  We can look to the experts on how to set goals effectively. Here is some information gleaned from years of studying the experts and helping people set goals:

1)  Convert wishes, hopes and dreams into defined, specific, attainable goals.

2)  Make sure to put your goals down in writing,  using concrete, realistic language. Several studies have found that those who take the time to write down their goals greatly increase their chances of success.  So seriously get out a pen and paper and start writing.

3)  Create a recipe for success.  This recipe is an action plan.  Make sure the action plan involves small, specific, concrete steps.  Write down steps like you might if you were writing down a recipe or giving yourself an instruction manual.  The more detailed, specific steps you have, the better you’ll be able to get and stay on track.

4)  Practice resiliency by preparing for setbacks.  Recognize that change often occurs with two steps forward and one step backward.  Ask yourself what can I learn from that setback so that I’ll be less likely to do that again?  Then pick yourself up and keep moving.

5)  Reward yourself along the way.  Notice any sign of progress and give yourself credit for small steps as they occur.

Our psychologists at Orenstein Solutions would like to be a resource for you to help you reach your goals.  Using a collaborative approach, we help you turn your dreams into concrete, practical goals by helping you explore your values, priorities, feelings, and needs.  Then we work with you to develop an action plan, with concrete steps along the way, so that we can identify progress and setbacks, and make revisions as necessary.  We will also coach you so you’ll have the necessary information, mindset and skills you need for success.

Some examples of our clients’ goals:

• develop a diet and exercise plan to lose weight and lower cholesterol
• become more organized and focused at work
• improve one’s social life and begin dating
• increase warmth and trust in one’s marriage; have more fun and intimacy together
• reduce anger outbursts and feelings of resentment
• improve parenting skills in order to better manage children’s behavior

Call (919) 428-2766 to schedule an appointment and begin attaining your goals. Maybe next new year, instead of writing down your resolution, you will be living it.

Contributed By Eve Fontaine, PhD, a licensed child psychologist at Orenstein Solutions, P.A.

Michael is a bright 4-year-old who turns 5 at the end of September. His parents are amazed at how quickly he is developing and changing. Like any preschooler, he sometimes has trouble sharing with others and cries when things don’t go his way. His parents wonder whether Michael would benefit from starting kindergarten early. What if he cannot handle the material and gets frustrated? Then again, what if he gets bored with another year of preschool?

Read more…

Is your living space having a negative impact on your relationship? Many couples would not think that the home environment itself can have an effect on marital bliss, but Jenna Boyd and Susan Orenstein, Ph.D. join discusses how clutter, color, and emotional distractions can create stress and tension that robs your marriage of intimacy.

Jenna is a certified practitioner of Feng Shui, a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers, and contributor to PINK Magazine.

To access a transcript of the show click here.

Sponsored by:

The direct link to the MP3 is: http://media.libsyn.com/media/rosen/SHM-47-02022009.mp3

Sometimes, a couple can’t wait to get the kids out of the house, but in other circumstances, when the children leave, feelings of loneliness can be amplified and there aren’t other family members around to serve as a distraction from other issues that are affecting a marriage. Susan Orenstein, Ph.D. to discusses the positive and negative aspects of children leaving the home.

To access a transcript of the show click here.

Sponsored by:

The direct link to the MP3 is: http://media.libsyn.com/media/rosen/SHM-48-02092009.mp3

Dr. Susan Orenstein discusses the importance of the father’s role in a successful marriage and happy family, which has changed from being the distant, work-oriented bread winner to being a nurturing caregiver with greater participation in his children’s activities and lives. Dr. Orenstein debunks many myths about marriage and fatherhood which have been perpetuated, if not created entirely, by what we see in Hollywood films or what we learn from our parents. Fathers are not the disinterested figures with low-expectations for their wives and children that they can be made out to be; rather, most fathers value the special bonds in their relationships with their families and often do not voice their greater expectations.

To access a transcript of the show click here.

Sponsored by:

The direct link to the mp3 is: http://media.libsyn.com/media/rosen/SHM-20-06062008.mp3