OrensteinSolutions

Dr. Susan Orenstein interviews Dr. Murray McNiel

Susan:  What is pre-marital counseling?

Murray: Pre-marital counseling is for couples who are interested in pursuing a brief counseling experience prior to marriage or a formal commitment ceremony. It has become quite common for couples as they prepare to begin their married life together.

It’s quite different from typical couples therapy, in which couples have become distressed by aspects of their relationship. By contrast, pre-marital counseling is aimed at enhancing a relationship that is usually already positive.

Susan:  What are some topics covered in pre-marital counseling?

Murray:   We sometimes discuss religious and moral values. This is important for a couple’s sense of a “we” and impacts their future lifestyle and future goals.  We usually do not explore someone’s childhood in depth, unless that’s something they specifically request.

More frequently, we provide a structured exploration and discussion of specific issues over five to eight sessions. These include effective communication, intimacy, and relationships with family and friends.

The overall goal is helping the two partners improve their relationship given their unique values, goals, and dreams.
Premarital counseling sometimes leads to exploring areas that the couple may not have realized could impact their lives together.

Susan: Can you give me an example?

Murray: Sure. Communication is probably the most important aspect of couple functioning. In fact, research has found quality of communication is an excellent predictor of couples’ satisfaction over time.

One key factor is how much each partner shares thoughts and feelings in the moment versus how much each partner likes to think through things on his/her own before discussing them. Neither style is right or wrong—they’re just different. But often partners can get into big disputes because they have different styles. For example, “You hold everything in and never share with me!” or “Maybe you should think through things a little more before you get all worked up and talk to me about it!”

Pre-marital counseling can help partners understand their differences and figure out how to make their styles work effectively.

Susan:  What if you believe the couple is a disaster—a really bad match.  Would you tell them to break up?

Murray:  I won’t tell a couple whether to stay together or break up, however, I will give direct feedback about their relationship patterns, including their strengths and weaknesses. Couples want to get married to make each other happy, not miserable, so many couples will make changes in the way they treat each other as soon as they discover a destructive pattern that is occurring.

As a couples therapist, I’m in the distinct position of the impartial observer, so I can share my observations and offer feedback in a non-judgmental way.  I also can coach couples in their communication, so they can feel positive changes occurring right away in the session.

Susan:  How long does pre-marital counseling typically last?

Murray:  It varies, but I would list the common range as 4-8 sessions.

Susan:  Lots of churches offer pre-marital counseling or marriage classes.  How does your counseling differ from that?  What’s the difference between going to a pastor and a therapist?

Murray:  First, let me say I think religiously-sponsored pre-marital counseling can be very helpful for couples. In terms of comparing them, I would say there are at least two differences.

First, with religious counseling there is a “second client in the room,” which is the goals, beliefs, and expectations of the religion. Professional counseling focuses on only the best possible functioning of the couple, given their particular situation.

Second, religious leaders wear many hats, and one of these is as a counselor/advisor. By contrast, a psychologist has extensive training in counseling techniques based on scientific research literature.

Susan:  There are some topics that couples just can’t talk about without getting into an argument.  They may be hesitant to enter pre-marital counseling, as they don’t want to stir things up by bringing them up in counseling.  Is there a way you can help them work on these issues without creating problems right before their marriage?

Murray:  This is a very legitimate concern. In structured, focused, short-term pre-marital counseling, the goal is discussing a series of key topics without getting bogged down in any of them. A few tough issues will almost certainly be touched on, but the overall tone should be one of enhancement rather than conflict.