OrensteinSolutions

The Divorce Process is extremely stressful.  You already knew that.  For some, the divorce experience becomes traumatic.  Managing your emotions during a divorce is extremely difficult, as you may feel a combination of frustration, hurt, resentment and helplessness.  Whether you withdraw, keeping your feelings to yourself, or you lash out and become short-tempered, these behavioral reactions to stressful, difficult times are normal responses.

Anger involves a family of emotions that range from mild irritation to rage, and it is a normal expected emotion that surfaces when dealing with divorce. While the emotion itself can be quite healthy, one’s actions I response to anger can be damaging.  Avoiding conflict and ignoring angry feelings as well as lashing out and fuming, although seemingly opposite reactions, both lead to ineffective communication and difficulty resolving conflict.

Fortunately, there are skills that can be learned during times of stress that ease the divorce process, benefitting not only your emotional and physical health, but your entire family’s well-being.

At Orenstein Solutions, we offer divorce recovery programs to address divorce anger and stress. We teach and coach skills to help you increase your ability to communicate effectively and assertively with your ex, respond thoughtfully rather than react, and feel better about moving forward with your life.  These skills fall under a broad umbrella of stress management and emotional regulation tools.

Option 1:  Individual Divorce Recovery Coaching
Fee:  $125 per session or $800 for a pre-paid package of eight, materials included.
Option 2:  Stress and Anger Management Group Sessions
Fee:  $500.00 for eight weekly group support and feedback, materials included.
Option 3:  Individual Counseling
Psychotherapy to address an array of personal issues.  Fee: $135.00 per session.

Please contact Orenstein Solutions at 428-2766  or email julia@orensteinsolutions.com for more information.

When thinking of your child leaving home, you might be experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions, including excitement, pride, and joy as well as stress and sheer terror. As your almost grown child develops a stronger sense of identity and independence over the next four years, your parenting role will change, but will remain very important.

A strong parent-child relationship is essential to your son or daughter’s confidence and college success.Over the next few years, you will lose your position as your child’s chauffeur, housekeeper, cook, executive secretary, tutor, supervisor, and probation officer. However, your child may re-hire you as chief confidant, counselor, coach, and cheerleader. Here are some strategies to help you as a parent prepare for your new parenting role:

DON’T: Interrupt, give unsolicited advice or try to take control of your child’s problems.

INSTEAD: LISTEN!

Everyone likes receiving another’s undivided attention. Your children will appreciate a safe place to air their thoughts, feelings, dreams and concerns. Attentive listening is one of the best gifts a parent can give a child. Your children will feel empowered to solve their own problems once they are able to talk things through.

DON’T: Minimize their feelings through invalidating statements such as “College is supposed to be the best time of your life,” or “I wasn’t as fortunate as you when I was your age.”

INSTEAD: ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS.

Young adults’ feelings can be intense and may change rapidly, but they are still REAL.

DON’T: Share any lack of confidence you may have in your child or review his/her past failures.

INSTEAD: FOCUS ON THEIR STRENGTHS.

Remind your child of their positive qualities and coping skills during the hard times.

Also notice (aloud) when your child is working hard, handling a tough situation maturely, or developing any other positive character traits. He/she will appreciate this acknowledgement.

DON’T: Hide your love and affection for your child.

INSTEAD: PROVIDE TOKENS OF YOUR AFFECTION.

Give genuine compliments and expressions of support and concern. Find ways to show your affection for your child in little ways. College students love receiving letters, e-mail and care packages.

DON’T: Let your child’s suffering go unnoticed.

INSTEAD: KNOW WHEN TO STEP IN.

Express the concerns you have about their behavior, their mood, their relationships, etc. in non-judgmental terms. Listen to their responses and ask how you can be helpful.

RED FLAG!: If you believe your child is at risk of being harmed or will hurt him/herself, contact the appropriate school resources such as the resident counselor, campus police, the university counseling center or the dean of student life.

DON’T: Hide family crises such as divorce or family illness from your child or spring bad news upon them when they return home on breaks.

INSTEAD: HAVE A CARING CONVERSATION EARLY ON.

Give your child advanced notice to prepare for a change in the family’s lifestyle. Choose a time when he or she will be receptive to hearing difficult news (not the night before finals!) and then share the information in a sensitive manner. Encourage your son or daughter to express thoughts and feelings about the news and acknowledge your child’s right to those feelings.

DON’T: Pin all your expectations and dreams on your child’s achievements and happiness.

INSTEAD: “GET A LIFE!”

Enjoy your newfound freedom by nurturing yourself, exploring your interests and developing your relationships.

Susan Orenstein has created a resource to help prepare students and their families for this important transition.  To learn more about College Companion:  Your Ultimate Guide to College Life, . . .

Orenstein Solutions is seeking a board certified child psychiatrist to join our innovative, thriving group practice in the heart of Cary. Our practice provides a wide array of mental health services to meet the needs of the whole family, including children, teens, young adults, and adults. The psychiatrist will provide consultations, medication evaluations and medication management to children, teens and adults.

Avoid the hassles of managed care, call, and administrative duties. We take great care of our clinicians so that you can focus on providing quality care.

To learn more about this opportunity, please contact Susan Orenstein, Ph.D. at 428-2766 ext. 1 or susan@orensteinsolutions.com.

FAQs about the Treatment of Substance Abuse with Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)

Who is appropriate for this type of substance abuse treatment?

Individuals who are experiencing life problems due to their drinking or drug use are appropriate for this type of outpatient, weekly therapy. The substance use may be impairing relationships, job performance, health, or a general sense of well-being. For those who require detoxification due to withdrawal symptoms, it is essential that a period of closely monitored inpatient treatment and/or a period of residential treatment be completed prior to outpatient therapy.

Do I have to go to AA meetings while in therapy?

That is completely up to you! Many individuals state that AA (Alcoholic Anonymous) meetings are helpful when trying to stop drinking, as they provide a positive support group. However, AA is not for everyone and is not a requirement while in therapy at Orenstein Solutions. We can recommend other supportive, psycho-educational groups for those interested, such as First Step, a family approach for teens with substance abuse issues.

What is Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and how can it treat substance abuse problems?

Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or CBT, is a widely studied approach that has been found to be effective in treating a variety of problems. It is relatively straight forward approach to therapy that involves the development of skills that can help individuals cope more effectively and improve relationships. There are many different individual techniques within the CBT system, some of which are particularly useful in treating substance abuse. These include: Cognitive Restructuring or Disputing Irrational Beliefs, Emotion Regulation, Mindfulness Practice, and Moderate Drinking Training for Problem Drinkers. Other helpful skills for substance abuse problems include Relaxation, Communication Skills Training, and Relapse Prevention.

How long will I have to be in therapy?

The exact number of therapy sessions needed for treatment success varies from one person to the next. However, once a person enters the Action Stage of Change, therapy does not need to last for months and years. In fact, clients can purchase self-help manuals for problem drinkers and after a specific plan has been developed and started with therapist guidance (3-4 weeks), maintenance sessions can be scheduled for once every two or three weeks and tapered down as needed.

How will I know if I’m in the Action Stage of Change?

Assessment of a person’s readiness for change will be part of initial therapy sessions at Orenstein Solutions. This approach is based on Motivational Interviewing practices (another technique considered part of Cognitive Behavior Therapy), which are guided by the Transtheoretical Model of Change. It involves five stages: 1. Precontemplation stage (person does not see the behavior as a problem), 2. Contemplation stage (person is considering behavior change), 3. Preparation stage (person has decided to change the behavior), 4. Action stage (person has actually engaged in behavior change), and 5. Maintenance stage (actions are taken to avoid relapse).

Once my drinking (or drug use) is under control, will my treatment be complete?

This question again depends on each person. For some, the substance use is the primary problem, and relationships, job performance, and overall mental and physical health improve once that is under control. For others, the drinking is an unhealthy coping skill or “self-medication” for underlying issues of depression, anxiety, and general problems with regulating emotions. These issues can also be addressed with coping skill development from Cognitive Behavior therapies, and they will be treated along with the substance abuse issues, as treating one will have a positive effect on the other.

Is there any hope for me to have lasting behavior change?

Yes! It does take hard work and a willingness to practice strategies outside of the therapy session, including journaling, monitoring of behavior, and challenging your own “self talk;” however, there is research that demonstrates the effectiveness of the above behavior change strategies. Relapse prevention strategies and periodic therapy “booster sessions” can increase one’s change of success even more.

Most of us have moments throughout our day that leave us feeling tense, overwhelmed and angry. Is it wrong to feel angry about other drivers getting in our way, children refusing to follow house rules or co-workers not following through on projects?

Read this most recent article from Dr. Julia Messer, published in Cary Magazine.

Read “Focus On Men Anger Management” in PDF form.

I’d like to invite you to my next PAIRS workshop which  will take place on Saturday, February 27th.  I’ve been providing couples therapy in private practice since 1998.  Here’s a confession–I didn’t learn about couples in my graduate program.  Very few graduate programs have courses specifically in marital or couples therapy.  So I’ve sought out all the advanced training i could find to learn about couples.  I’ve received extensive training in Conflict Resoultion and Family Mediation, as well as advanced training to follow the research and approaches of Jon Gottman, Susan Johnson, Michele Weiner Davis, and Dan Wile.

I’ve wanted to provide couples workshops for several years now, but never was able to get them off the ground.  That is, until now, since I’ve discovered the PAIRS program.  I was delighted to find the PAIRS materials not only fits with the current research about what makes couples happy together, but also has user-friendly materials that couples can  integrate into their relationships to promote warmth, respect, and understanding.  So, I’ve had useful concepts all along, but now I’ve found the missing piece in PAIRS, which is a format (materials and tools) to make the information come alive.

I began offering these PAIRS workshops last Fall, after many couples contacted me asking for week-end sessions, telling me how difficult it was for both partners to have time for couples therapy on a weekly outpatient basis.  Also, many told me they were concerned about the financial aspect of ongoing couples work. I added this program to help couples learn skills and tools in a convenient, cost-effective manner.

I’ll give away one tool right now to give you a flavor of the workshop: The Invitation Rule.  We all want to be greeted by our partner in a loving, warm, engaging way. Unfortunately, often when we are approached by our partner, especially about a conflict issue, the “approach” isn’t so warm and fuzzy.  Often, the conversation begins in a hostile manner which does not set the stage for a peaceful and happy resolution.

The PAIRS invitation rule is that you invite your partner before utilizing any of the PAIRS tools for discussions. You invite, not inflict.  As you know about invitations, one can always decline.  That’s the beauty of it. By asking, you do not take the other person for granted; you show respect for his or her time and feelings.  On the other side, your partner chooses to interact with you when he or she accepts your invitation. The invitation rule helps us from taking each other for granted.  We appreciate each time we choose to accept our partner’s invitation, and the invitation rule  starts things off in a spirit of good will, that promotes success.

I hope you’ll consider my invitation to attend PAIRs.  The invitation rule is one of many gems that you can integrate into your special relationships.  You can learn more about PAIRS and find registration material online at www.orensteinsolutions.com.  You’re also welcome to contact me directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 1.

Catherine tucked her son into bed, promising chicken noodle soup when he awoke. It was 1:30 in the afternoon, and she had just picked him up from school after the nurse called to let her know that he had a fever. She left his room and sighed heavily, noticing the bills piled on the desk, the piled-high laundry in the hamper, and the dirty dishes in the sink.  She tried not to think about the irritation in her boss’ voice as she quickly left work to pick up her son. As she hit the play button on the answering machine, she managed to smile by thinking about the fun weekend she had planned with her friends. “Hey Catherine, I know this is my weekend with the kids, but I have to leave town for a business meeting. Sorry. I will explain later.” Her smile vanished as she heard her ex-husband cancel his plans yet again with the kids. “This is too much!” she thought, gritting her teeth. “When is this ever going to end?” Catherine grabbed the keys sitting next to the phone and threw them across the living room before she even realized what she doing.

Catherine’s experiences are not unusual. In fact, most of us have moments throughout our day that leave us feeling tense, overwhelmed, and angry. These feelings of anger are normal, and frequently related to stress, a common trigger for angry feelings and behaviors.

The good news is that there are many strategies that Catherine can use to manage her anger, and there are skills that can be learned to help improve relationships and manage stress. Anger management groups, individual therapy, and couples therapy are available resources that can help individuals learn how to decrease physiological arousal and change emotional responses and self-talk. For example, Catherine can learn to notice signs of tension early and consciously relax neck and jaw muscles. She can begin to notice anger-provoking thoughts such as “This is too much!” and modify them to “I have a lot on my plate right now, but some things I cannot control. As much as I would like others to be reliable, it does not mean that they must .” Anger management skills also involve learning how to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively and include developing empathy skills, forgiving others, adjusting expectations, and taking effective time-outs when unable to think clearly.

Dealing with anger is an issue that each of us faces everyday. Managing anger is not about never feeling angry. It is about finding positive, effective ways to communicate and act so that you feel better and develop satisfying, healthy relationships. In the words of Dr. Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

We are excited to offer anger management seminars that meet on Saturday mornings.  To learn more about our programs, visit www.orensteinsolutions.com  or contact Dr. Julia Messer directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 2

We are all familiar with the experience of excitedly setting New Years Resolutions only to be disappointed when they don’t come true. Many of us avoid feelings of dejection by stopping resolutions altogether. A better way is to make sure you have the skills you need to attain your goals this year.  Mastering resolutions is really a skill set derived from goal-setting skills.  We can look to the experts on how to set goals effectively. Here is some information gleaned from years of studying the experts and helping people set goals:

1)  Convert wishes, hopes and dreams into defined, specific, attainable goals.

2)  Make sure to put your goals down in writing,  using concrete, realistic language. Several studies have found that those who take the time to write down their goals greatly increase their chances of success.  So seriously get out a pen and paper and start writing.

3)  Create a recipe for success.  This recipe is an action plan.  Make sure the action plan involves small, specific, concrete steps.  Write down steps like you might if you were writing down a recipe or giving yourself an instruction manual.  The more detailed, specific steps you have, the better you’ll be able to get and stay on track.

4)  Practice resiliency by preparing for setbacks.  Recognize that change often occurs with two steps forward and one step backward.  Ask yourself what can I learn from that setback so that I’ll be less likely to do that again?  Then pick yourself up and keep moving.

5)  Reward yourself along the way.  Notice any sign of progress and give yourself credit for small steps as they occur.

Our psychologists at Orenstein Solutions would like to be a resource for you to help you reach your goals.  Using a collaborative approach, we help you turn your dreams into concrete, practical goals by helping you explore your values, priorities, feelings, and needs.  Then we work with you to develop an action plan, with concrete steps along the way, so that we can identify progress and setbacks, and make revisions as necessary.  We will also coach you so you’ll have the necessary information, mindset and skills you need for success.

Some examples of our clients’ goals:

• develop a diet and exercise plan to lose weight and lower cholesterol
• become more organized and focused at work
• improve one’s social life and begin dating
• increase warmth and trust in one’s marriage; have more fun and intimacy together
• reduce anger outbursts and feelings of resentment
• improve parenting skills in order to better manage children’s behavior

Call (919) 428-2766 to schedule an appointment and begin attaining your goals. Maybe next new year, instead of writing down your resolution, you will be living it.

Ways to Connect with Family Over the Holidays:

Many people don’t realize that the need for attachment, warmth and closeness with others is a basic innate biological need just like food, water and shelter.  Connecting doesn’t have to mean holding hands and singing around a campfire, or sitting face to face and sharing secrets.  Much of bonding actually comes from small bursts of light-hearted fun, continued over long periods of time, so that we develop a collection of positive experiences with our family members.  You know those photo albums where we look happy together over celebrations, holidays, get-togethers.  Well, after the camera shot is over, make sure to create fun, memorable moments that go along with that photos.  That’s right. . . the prescription here is “fun.”

Some creative ideas for family activities:

Julia Messer suggests Wii sport games, such as bowling, golf, or tennis. These are active, entertaining activities that all family members can enjoy. These games don’t require a lot of learning time: it is easy to just jump in and start having a good time. You can even create a Mii character that looks like you to play as your character. An added benefit is that you can burn off a few calories from that big turkey meal!

Another suggestion involves a more traditional, but often forgotten, activity . . . working a puzzle. Choose  an interesting, picture that reflects the family in some way. Working a jigsaw puzzle is a cooperative activity that can involve all ages. Grandchildren can work alongside their grandparents for a common goal.  There are even some three-in-one puzzles now from Ravensburger, with extra large, medium and small size pieces so family members can choose the level of challenge they prefer.

A final suggestion is a simple game that involves no materials or technology called “Choices.” Each family member or friend takes a turn presenting two options in a related category (for example, fall or winter; the beach or the mountains, Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift). Everyone selects their favorite one of the two out loud, and then the next person has to present another two options. This game stimulates a lot of discussion and is great for long trips in the car. It is fun coming up with the options, and you can learn something about your family and friends.

Susan Orenstein suggests “Gym Teacher.” Every family member takes turns leading one exercise. They can be traditional exercises like jumping jacks and sit-ups or creative exercises like making each family member go through an obstacle course.

Imagine If is a board game that looks at personality characteristics of each player in an amusing way. One player is chosen by a role of the dice and a card is drawn that reads, “Imagine if (player’s name) was a snack food. Would he be: A Popcorn, B Hershey’s kiss, C… all the way to F” Then all the players place their answers (A, B, C up to F)  face down. The answers are revealed. The players who chose the most common answer (not necessarily the same as the player’s of whom the question was asked) move their piece on the board one step closer to the finish.

Watching old movie classics is nostalgic for the older generation and eye-opening for the younger. Recent ones we’ve enjoyed more than once include: “The Wizard of Oz,” ”It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “Treasure of the Sierra Madre.”

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build positive interaction.

Foremost relationship expert, John M. Gottman Ph.D., found what distinguished happily married couples from other couples: a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. What is a positive interaction? A hug when greeting at the end of the day, a smile, reaching for your partner’s hand, texting something sweet “just because.” And this same concept of positive interaction applies to all relationships in the family.

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build  positive interaction.  So many times when we say something to another family member, it is to complain. Why say anything if things are going well? As expressed in our PAIRS workshop for couples (read more about upcoming PAIRS workshop), showing and expressing appreciation helps nurture our relationships and moves us towards that 5:1 ratio. This is key to a happy relationship. Don’t just say “thank you” but be specific. “Thank you for doing the dishes–it allowed me to sleep an extra ten minutes” or “when you pick up the kids on Wednesday, I get to go to the gym – thanks so much.”

So often, couples come to couples or family counseling because they feel under-appreciated. If feels wonderful to receive specific acknowledgement from your family for the hard work that you do on their account. It also feels good to give appreciation. Let’s all try to remember to tell our families what they are doing right. Thanksgiving is a great time to start.