OrensteinSolutions

Most of us have moments throughout our day that leave us feeling tense, overwhelmed and angry. Is it wrong to feel angry about other drivers getting in our way, children refusing to follow house rules or co-workers not following through on projects?

Read this most recent article from Dr. Julia Messer, published in Cary Magazine.

Read “Focus On Men Anger Management” in PDF form.

I’d like to invite you to my next PAIRS workshop which  will take place on Saturday, February 27th.  I’ve been providing couples therapy in private practice since 1998.  Here’s a confession–I didn’t learn about couples in my graduate program.  Very few graduate programs have courses specifically in marital or couples therapy.  So I’ve sought out all the advanced training i could find to learn about couples.  I’ve received extensive training in Conflict Resoultion and Family Mediation, as well as advanced training to follow the research and approaches of Jon Gottman, Susan Johnson, Michele Weiner Davis, and Dan Wile.

I’ve wanted to provide couples workshops for several years now, but never was able to get them off the ground.  That is, until now, since I’ve discovered the PAIRS program.  I was delighted to find the PAIRS materials not only fits with the current research about what makes couples happy together, but also has user-friendly materials that couples can  integrate into their relationships to promote warmth, respect, and understanding.  So, I’ve had useful concepts all along, but now I’ve found the missing piece in PAIRS, which is a format (materials and tools) to make the information come alive.

I began offering these PAIRS workshops last Fall, after many couples contacted me asking for week-end sessions, telling me how difficult it was for both partners to have time for couples therapy on a weekly outpatient basis.  Also, many told me they were concerned about the financial aspect of ongoing couples work. I added this program to help couples learn skills and tools in a convenient, cost-effective manner.

I’ll give away one tool right now to give you a flavor of the workshop: The Invitation Rule.  We all want to be greeted by our partner in a loving, warm, engaging way. Unfortunately, often when we are approached by our partner, especially about a conflict issue, the “approach” isn’t so warm and fuzzy.  Often, the conversation begins in a hostile manner which does not set the stage for a peaceful and happy resolution.

The PAIRS invitation rule is that you invite your partner before utilizing any of the PAIRS tools for discussions. You invite, not inflict.  As you know about invitations, one can always decline.  That’s the beauty of it. By asking, you do not take the other person for granted; you show respect for his or her time and feelings.  On the other side, your partner chooses to interact with you when he or she accepts your invitation. The invitation rule helps us from taking each other for granted.  We appreciate each time we choose to accept our partner’s invitation, and the invitation rule  starts things off in a spirit of good will, that promotes success.

I hope you’ll consider my invitation to attend PAIRs.  The invitation rule is one of many gems that you can integrate into your special relationships.  You can learn more about PAIRS and find registration material online at www.orensteinsolutions.com.  You’re also welcome to contact me directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 1.

Catherine tucked her son into bed, promising chicken noodle soup when he awoke. It was 1:30 in the afternoon, and she had just picked him up from school after the nurse called to let her know that he had a fever. She left his room and sighed heavily, noticing the bills piled on the desk, the piled-high laundry in the hamper, and the dirty dishes in the sink.  She tried not to think about the irritation in her boss’ voice as she quickly left work to pick up her son. As she hit the play button on the answering machine, she managed to smile by thinking about the fun weekend she had planned with her friends. “Hey Catherine, I know this is my weekend with the kids, but I have to leave town for a business meeting. Sorry. I will explain later.” Her smile vanished as she heard her ex-husband cancel his plans yet again with the kids. “This is too much!” she thought, gritting her teeth. “When is this ever going to end?” Catherine grabbed the keys sitting next to the phone and threw them across the living room before she even realized what she doing.

Catherine’s experiences are not unusual. In fact, most of us have moments throughout our day that leave us feeling tense, overwhelmed, and angry. These feelings of anger are normal, and frequently related to stress, a common trigger for angry feelings and behaviors.

The good news is that there are many strategies that Catherine can use to manage her anger, and there are skills that can be learned to help improve relationships and manage stress. Anger management groups, individual therapy, and couples therapy are available resources that can help individuals learn how to decrease physiological arousal and change emotional responses and self-talk. For example, Catherine can learn to notice signs of tension early and consciously relax neck and jaw muscles. She can begin to notice anger-provoking thoughts such as “This is too much!” and modify them to “I have a lot on my plate right now, but some things I cannot control. As much as I would like others to be reliable, it does not mean that they must .” Anger management skills also involve learning how to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively and include developing empathy skills, forgiving others, adjusting expectations, and taking effective time-outs when unable to think clearly.

Dealing with anger is an issue that each of us faces everyday. Managing anger is not about never feeling angry. It is about finding positive, effective ways to communicate and act so that you feel better and develop satisfying, healthy relationships. In the words of Dr. Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

We are excited to offer anger management seminars that meet on Saturday mornings.  To learn more about our programs, visit www.orensteinsolutions.com  or contact Dr. Julia Messer directly at (919) 428-2766 ext. 2

We are all familiar with the experience of excitedly setting New Years Resolutions only to be disappointed when they don’t come true. Many of us avoid feelings of dejection by stopping resolutions altogether. A better way is to make sure you have the skills you need to attain your goals this year.  Mastering resolutions is really a skill set derived from goal-setting skills.  We can look to the experts on how to set goals effectively. Here is some information gleaned from years of studying the experts and helping people set goals:

1)  Convert wishes, hopes and dreams into defined, specific, attainable goals.

2)  Make sure to put your goals down in writing,  using concrete, realistic language. Several studies have found that those who take the time to write down their goals greatly increase their chances of success.  So seriously get out a pen and paper and start writing.

3)  Create a recipe for success.  This recipe is an action plan.  Make sure the action plan involves small, specific, concrete steps.  Write down steps like you might if you were writing down a recipe or giving yourself an instruction manual.  The more detailed, specific steps you have, the better you’ll be able to get and stay on track.

4)  Practice resiliency by preparing for setbacks.  Recognize that change often occurs with two steps forward and one step backward.  Ask yourself what can I learn from that setback so that I’ll be less likely to do that again?  Then pick yourself up and keep moving.

5)  Reward yourself along the way.  Notice any sign of progress and give yourself credit for small steps as they occur.

Our psychologists at Orenstein Solutions would like to be a resource for you to help you reach your goals.  Using a collaborative approach, we help you turn your dreams into concrete, practical goals by helping you explore your values, priorities, feelings, and needs.  Then we work with you to develop an action plan, with concrete steps along the way, so that we can identify progress and setbacks, and make revisions as necessary.  We will also coach you so you’ll have the necessary information, mindset and skills you need for success.

Some examples of our clients’ goals:

• develop a diet and exercise plan to lose weight and lower cholesterol
• become more organized and focused at work
• improve one’s social life and begin dating
• increase warmth and trust in one’s marriage; have more fun and intimacy together
• reduce anger outbursts and feelings of resentment
• improve parenting skills in order to better manage children’s behavior

Call (919) 428-2766 to schedule an appointment and begin attaining your goals. Maybe next new year, instead of writing down your resolution, you will be living it.

The good news is that there are many strategies that Catherine can use to manage her anger, and there are skills that can be learned to help improve relationships and manage stress. Anger management groups, individual therapy, and couples therapy are available resources that can help individuals learn how to decrease physiological arousal and change emotional responses and self-talk. For example, Catherine can learn to notice signs of tension early and consciously relax neck and jaw muscles. She can begin to notice anger-provoking thoughts such as “This is too much!” and modify them to “I have a lot on my plate right now, but some things I cannot control. As much as I would like others to be reliable, it does not mean that they must.” Anger management skills also involve learning how to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively and include developing empathy skills, forgiving others, adjusting expectations, and taking effective time-outs when unable to think clearly.
Dealing with anger is an issue that each of us faces everyday. Managing anger is not about never feeling angry. It is about finding positive, effective ways to communicate and act so that you feel better and develop satisfying, healthy relationships. In the words of Dr. Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Ways to Connect with Family Over the Holidays:

Many people don’t realize that the need for attachment, warmth and closeness with others is a basic innate biological need just like food, water and shelter.  Connecting doesn’t have to mean holding hands and singing around a campfire, or sitting face to face and sharing secrets.  Much of bonding actually comes from small bursts of light-hearted fun, continued over long periods of time, so that we develop a collection of positive experiences with our family members.  You know those photo albums where we look happy together over celebrations, holidays, get-togethers.  Well, after the camera shot is over, make sure to create fun, memorable moments that go along with that photos.  That’s right. . . the prescription here is “fun.”

Some creative ideas for family activities:

Julia Messer suggests Wii sport games, such as bowling, golf, or tennis. These are active, entertaining activities that all family members can enjoy. These games don’t require a lot of learning time: it is easy to just jump in and start having a good time. You can even create a Mii character that looks like you to play as your character. An added benefit is that you can burn off a few calories from that big turkey meal!

Another suggestion involves a more traditional, but often forgotten, activity . . . working a puzzle. Choose  an interesting, picture that reflects the family in some way. Working a jigsaw puzzle is a cooperative activity that can involve all ages. Grandchildren can work alongside their grandparents for a common goal.  There are even some three-in-one puzzles now from Ravensburger, with extra large, medium and small size pieces so family members can choose the level of challenge they prefer.

A final suggestion is a simple game that involves no materials or technology called “Choices.” Each family member or friend takes a turn presenting two options in a related category (for example, fall or winter; the beach or the mountains, Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift). Everyone selects their favorite one of the two out loud, and then the next person has to present another two options. This game stimulates a lot of discussion and is great for long trips in the car. It is fun coming up with the options, and you can learn something about your family and friends.

Susan Orenstein suggests “Gym Teacher.” Every family member takes turns leading one exercise. They can be traditional exercises like jumping jacks and sit-ups or creative exercises like making each family member go through an obstacle course.

Imagine If is a board game that looks at personality characteristics of each player in an amusing way. One player is chosen by a role of the dice and a card is drawn that reads, “Imagine if (player’s name) was a snack food. Would he be: A Popcorn, B Hershey’s kiss, C… all the way to F” Then all the players place their answers (A, B, C up to F)  face down. The answers are revealed. The players who chose the most common answer (not necessarily the same as the player’s of whom the question was asked) move their piece on the board one step closer to the finish.

Watching old movie classics is nostalgic for the older generation and eye-opening for the younger. Recent ones we’ve enjoyed more than once include: “The Wizard of Oz,” ”It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “Treasure of the Sierra Madre.”

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build positive interaction.

Foremost relationship expert, John M. Gottman Ph.D., found what distinguished happily married couples from other couples: a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. What is a positive interaction? A hug when greeting at the end of the day, a smile, reaching for your partner’s hand, texting something sweet “just because.” And this same concept of positive interaction applies to all relationships in the family.

Feeling and expressing appreciation for our loved ones is a crucial way we build  positive interaction.  So many times when we say something to another family member, it is to complain. Why say anything if things are going well? As expressed in our PAIRS workshop for couples (read more about upcoming PAIRS workshop), showing and expressing appreciation helps nurture our relationships and moves us towards that 5:1 ratio. This is key to a happy relationship. Don’t just say “thank you” but be specific. “Thank you for doing the dishes–it allowed me to sleep an extra ten minutes” or “when you pick up the kids on Wednesday, I get to go to the gym – thanks so much.”

So often, couples come to couples or family counseling because they feel under-appreciated. If feels wonderful to receive specific acknowledgement from your family for the hard work that you do on their account. It also feels good to give appreciation. Let’s all try to remember to tell our families what they are doing right. Thanksgiving is a great time to start.

You may have heard of PAIRS workshops for improving the intimacy in your marriage, but what issues can it address in your marriage, and is it the right environment for you and your spouse? Dr. Susan Orenstein joins us to talk about the PAIRS workshops that have become increasingly popular for both happily and unhappily married couples, and explore what makes PAIRS different from traditional therapy, and why it is such a great option for individuals and couples who are uncomfortable with marriage counseling.

Click here to download or use the player to listen online

Dr. Susan Orenstein interviews Dr. Murray McNiel

Susan:  What is pre-marital counseling?

Murray: Pre-marital counseling is for couples who are interested in pursuing a brief counseling experience prior to marriage or a formal commitment ceremony. It has become quite common for couples as they prepare to begin their married life together.

It’s quite different from typical couples therapy, in which couples have become distressed by aspects of their relationship. By contrast, pre-marital counseling is aimed at enhancing a relationship that is usually already positive.

Susan:  What are some topics covered in pre-marital counseling?

Murray:   We sometimes discuss religious and moral values. This is important for a couple’s sense of a “we” and impacts their future lifestyle and future goals.  We usually do not explore someone’s childhood in depth, unless that’s something they specifically request.

More frequently, we provide a structured exploration and discussion of specific issues over five to eight sessions. These include effective communication, intimacy, and relationships with family and friends.

The overall goal is helping the two partners improve their relationship given their unique values, goals, and dreams.
Premarital counseling sometimes leads to exploring areas that the couple may not have realized could impact their lives together.

Susan: Can you give me an example?

Murray: Sure. Communication is probably the most important aspect of couple functioning. In fact, research has found quality of communication is an excellent predictor of couples’ satisfaction over time.

One key factor is how much each partner shares thoughts and feelings in the moment versus how much each partner likes to think through things on his/her own before discussing them. Neither style is right or wrong—they’re just different. But often partners can get into big disputes because they have different styles. For example, “You hold everything in and never share with me!” or “Maybe you should think through things a little more before you get all worked up and talk to me about it!”

Pre-marital counseling can help partners understand their differences and figure out how to make their styles work effectively.

Susan:  What if you believe the couple is a disaster—a really bad match.  Would you tell them to break up?

Murray:  I won’t tell a couple whether to stay together or break up, however, I will give direct feedback about their relationship patterns, including their strengths and weaknesses. Couples want to get married to make each other happy, not miserable, so many couples will make changes in the way they treat each other as soon as they discover a destructive pattern that is occurring.

As a couples therapist, I’m in the distinct position of the impartial observer, so I can share my observations and offer feedback in a non-judgmental way.  I also can coach couples in their communication, so they can feel positive changes occurring right away in the session.

Susan:  How long does pre-marital counseling typically last?

Murray:  It varies, but I would list the common range as 4-8 sessions.

Susan:  Lots of churches offer pre-marital counseling or marriage classes.  How does your counseling differ from that?  What’s the difference between going to a pastor and a therapist?

Murray:  First, let me say I think religiously-sponsored pre-marital counseling can be very helpful for couples. In terms of comparing them, I would say there are at least two differences.

First, with religious counseling there is a “second client in the room,” which is the goals, beliefs, and expectations of the religion. Professional counseling focuses on only the best possible functioning of the couple, given their particular situation.

Second, religious leaders wear many hats, and one of these is as a counselor/advisor. By contrast, a psychologist has extensive training in counseling techniques based on scientific research literature.

Susan:  There are some topics that couples just can’t talk about without getting into an argument.  They may be hesitant to enter pre-marital counseling, as they don’t want to stir things up by bringing them up in counseling.  Is there a way you can help them work on these issues without creating problems right before their marriage?

Murray:  This is a very legitimate concern. In structured, focused, short-term pre-marital counseling, the goal is discussing a series of key topics without getting bogged down in any of them. A few tough issues will almost certainly be touched on, but the overall tone should be one of enhancement rather than conflict.

THE UNTHINKABLE by Amanda Ripley, reviewed by Susan Orenstein

This book will definitely make you think differently about how to survive a disaster.  I picked up this book this Summer, and as I began reading, quickly realized that it was going to tackle tough topics that I usually try to avoid thinking about:  plane crashes, terrorist attacks, motor vehicle accidents, fires and floods.  Why read about these horrors?  Amanda Ripley gives a compelling reason to examine these tragedies. If we analyze these events objectively, we can learn about the human factor involved.  The author, who is a writer for Time Magazine, sorts out fact from fiction about natural and human-made disasters. Why do some people who experience these life -threatening events react poorly while others cope and survive? Read more…